Your
intention is to motivate a child or employee to do better. You are clear
in your mind what you want to achieve and the behavior that you want
changed. You expect to be listened to and obeyed! You are right and they
are wrong. Someday, they will be grateful that you cared enough to show
them what they were doing incorrectly.
Sound
familiar? When a situation calls for feedback, we tend to justify our
position and come at the situation from a power standpoint. This tends
to put the other person in a defensive status and what may have started
out as a visit turns into a confrontation, with words and emotions
expressed that are not helpful. The ridicule will actually not
accomplish what you had hoped and will harm the relationship.
Ridicule
or Contempt
Ridiculing
someone is to mock by reducing or dismissing them in a contemptuous way.
Sometimes the ridicule may be verbal as in a criticism; "You just
can't get this through your thick head, can you?" The disrespect
may be done in a completely non-verbal but powerful way; rolling your
eyes, crossing your arms and leaning back, smirking or looking away when
the other person is talking.
Non-Verbal
Language
Verbal
or spoken language is the communication of information. Most people only
remember about 20% of what is said. Non verbal or body language is the
communication of relationships. People look at your facial expressions
to see how you really feel about what you are saying and the person you
are saying it to. They listen to your tone of voice to gauge how sincere
you are.
Respect
and Acknowledge Unique Styles
Your
child and you are going to make mistakes. You are human. That is just
how life goes as we learn from experiences on what works for us and when
we need to find another solution. We can make mistakes but still be
competent, worthwhile and intelligent people.
No
one is going to be perfect, and to only settle for perfection is to set
yourself and your child up for failure. If your children have never seen
you acknowledge that you screwed up or made a mistake, they will be
hesitant to take risks.
Feedback
or Criticism
You
may be embarrassed to talk about your own mistakes and errors in
judgment. That is natural to be hesitant to appear vulnerable but it is
unfair to your child to feel that he or she is not reaching your
expectations and is a disappointment to you.
Perhaps
you can say something like; "I know that you feel badly
about the grade. I have felt that
way when I worked hard on a project and it didn't go as well as I had
planned. However, I found
that the
next time it went better for me when I wrote an agenda. What do you
think might help you do better next time?
Respect
and Tolerance Build Confidence and Self-Image
Thank
you for doing this important work to build communication in
relationships. Others value your input and suggestions and will want to
do the best they can. But when mistakes happen, remember; mistakes are
never final and we all make them. It is how we learn.
